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A FACE I CAN'T RECALL


Yesterday, my sister was going through her old Google photos, and out of nowhere, she found a picture of our dad. We lost him when we were just kids. And for so long, we thought there wasn't a single photo of him left. Just stories people told us and a name that slowly became a memory.

When my sister sent me that photo, I just sat there, staring at it. It felt weird — like looking at a stranger you’re supposed to love with your whole heart. I wished so badly that I could remember something. Anything.

I was only in first grade when he died. I was so small, I don’t remember him at all. I don’t remember his face, how he smiled, or what his voice sounded like. I’ve got nothing. No memory of him being my dad.

Then it hit me — I don't have a single photo with him. Not even one. And maybe that's why this emptiness always follows me around. So, I did something I’ve always wanted to do. I made a digital art with the help of ChatGPT — a picture of me beside him. A picture that never existed, but should have. A memory I created for myself, just to see what it might’ve looked like if he had stayed.

Though it doesn't look exactly like us, it turned out cute. And for a moment, I felt happy. But right after that, a quiet sadness crept in. Because the truth is… I don’t know what kind of father he was. I’ve never seen him be one. I only imagine. I imagine him being the dad who would have been proud of me, who would’ve stood by me no matter what, who would’ve called me his little girl, cheered for me, protected me. I imagine him hugging me when life gets too heavy. I imagine him being my biggest strength.

But it’s all just in my head.

And maybe that’s what hurts the most. That I can only imagine.

And somehow, losing something you never really had feels heavier than anything else. I live carrying a love for someone I couldn’t keep. A father I don’t remember.


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